Class of 3000 Wiki
Class of 3000 Wiki

Act 1[]

[Exterior shot of Westley. The school bell rings.]
Sunny: (from inside the building) Now this is cool—my first day teachin'.
[Cut to the music room. Sunny stands near the chalkboard as the students watch him, the septet's instruments ready.]
Sunny: Got my students,
[The students smile.]
Sunny: got my desk, got my chalk—okay, now I'm ready to teach.
Eddy/Kam/Kim/Li'l D/Madison/Philly Phil/Tamika: (eager, as Sunny prepares to write something on the board) Yeah?
[After a moment's hesitation, Sunny looks toward his students and concedes.]
Sunny: All right, um, how exactly do I teach?
Lil' D: Don't ask us—we barely know how to learn.
Sunny: What did your last teacher do?
Kim: He used to start class with finger exercises.
Kam: He was a rigid, mechanical task master.
[Flashback. Lightning strikes as a teacher instructs Kam, the former acting a drill sergeant to Kam, who performs pushups to exercise his fingers. Fatigues clothe Kam, who is wincing in pain while performing his exercises.]
Former Teacher: You're worthless and you're weak! My dead grandpa plays better than you!
Flashback Kam: But——
Former Teacher: Less wailing and more scaling! 
[Lightning strike. End flashback.]
Kam: Oh, how I miss him.
Madison: Those exercises always make me so happy; [Holding up her hands, revealing her misshapen, pulsating fingers] they hurt so bad, my fingers almost fell off!
Philly Phil: So why were you happy?
Madison: [Laughs] I am always happy! [Head tilting almost entirely horizontally] Double duh!
Eddie: Well I wasn't happy. I'm lucky I still have all ten fingers.
Philly Phil: You got ten? [Glances at his eight fingers] Wow, you are rich!
Sunny: All right, I got an exercise for y'all.
Kam: I'll go put on my fatigues.
Sunny: It ain't that kind of exercise.
Kam: (disappointed) Oh.
Sunny: Cockburger!
Kam: (reinvigorated) Sir!
Sunny: We are going to tear down the walls of convention with the wrecking ball of creativity.
Li'l D: Sounds good, but do what with what now?
Sunny: We're gonna use our imaginations. Tamika, close your eyes and let me hear a glissando.
Tamika: All right. Prepare to feel the raw power of this hip-hop goddess as she kills this track with her easy-strum harp. [Complies]
Sunny: Now, okay, now tell me about that motion—how does that feel?
Tamika: Like droplets of cool water washing over me.
[Li'l D snickers.]
Tamika: Anybody laughs, they're dead!
[Li'l D flinches, no longer snickering.]
Sunny: Don't just tell me; show me—and this time, without the claptrap. 
[Tamika grimaces before playing another riff. The scenery changes to a cave wherein Sunny watches Tamika playing. Around the duo is dripping water.]
Sunny: That's blather.
[Sunny pulls the left side of the screen toward the right, reverting the scenery to the classroom.]
Sunny: Now Madison, how does it feel when you play your violin?
Madison: Um, like black hungry birds.
Sunny: Black hungry birds? Good.
[As a demonstration, Madison plays her violin. From where the bow makes contact with the strings, musical notes upon a staff emerge. After a few seconds, the notes change to bumblebees, which fly toward the screen. Afterward, the scenery becomes a forest; Sunny and Madison sit in one of the branches, Madison playing her violin. The bumblebees rush past an oblivious Madison and toward Sunny.]
Sunny: Black hungry birds! Aaahh! Not good!
[Sunny flails his arms in an attempt to rid himself of the winged insects; in doing so, Sunny falls off the branch and lands in the music room.]
Sunny: So——
[Buzzing sound. Sunny hits his right ear, and out of his left ear flies a bee. Using buzzing sounds, the former music superstar communicates with the bee.]
Sunny: (translation) Run along now.
[The bee complies.]
Sunny: Okay, your turn, Eddie.
[Eddie plays his clarinet. Scene changes to a busy highway; Eddie and Sunny are standing on a median. Cars' horns are sounding as Eddie's playing continues.]
Sunny: Focus. What are you feeling?
Eddie: Mad at you for makin' me stand in the middle of the fucking road!
Sunny: [Walking off the raised median, but remaining just out of the cars' paths] Piffle! Those drivers—they mad at me, too. You hear those horns?
[A taxi nearly hits Sunny, its driver short stopping to avoid impact.]
Taxi Driver: Hey, it's Sunny Bridges! I have all your albums! Get out of the road, idiot!
[A semi truck rushes past Sunny; Sunny grabs the handle at the back of the truck, dragging him back to the classroom.]
Sunny: Philly Phil, let me hear some of that upright bass. Come on, now.
Philly Phil: Aye aye, captain.
[Philly Phil's playing takes him and Sunny to the ocean floor. Donning diving equipment, Sunny swims to his student, whose bass guitar is now an octopus.]
Sunny: What are you feeling?
Philly Phil: 5,000 pounds of pressure on my skull.
[Sunny swims upward, returning to the classroom via an aquarium.]
Sunny: Okay, we ain't got much time, so Kim and Kam, y'all gon' have to share y'all's imagination.
Kim: But he's got no imagination.
Kam: Yes I do. Watch this.
[Kam plays a riff, which gives him a helmet.]
Sunny: Is that the best you can do?
Kam: I'm wearing a helmet. [Hearing a rumbling sound, a shadow growing in size upon him] Huh?
[Kim has grown to a gargantuan size, and she plays her cymbals, attacking her brother in doing so.]
Kim: How's that for imagination?
[Sunny jumps, using the sound waves Kim caused to transport him so he is standing beside Li'l D.]
Sunny: So, seems like y'all got it. Now, you just gotta put those sounds together, and——
Li'l D: Wait. You forgot me.
Sunny: Did I? Did I? Did I?
Li'l D: Yeah, man, I'm all about tearin' down walls and all that other stuff.
[Li'l D plays the drums, causing a wrecking ball to crash into a wall. Riding on the wrecking ball, Li'l D then drops himself onto a jackhammer and rides it, then smashes another wall as well as the floor with a sledgehammer as the music continues.]
Li'l D: What you think?
Sunny: Not bad—for a beginner.
[Sunny jumps and attaches himself to the wrecking ball, then reverts the damage it caused. The students play music.]
Sunny: Forget everybody else; just let what's inside your own head come out.
[Principal Luna knocks on the door.]
Sunny: Hey, Principal Luna.
[Enter Principal Luna.]
Principal Luna: Señor Bridges, your students are fantastic—
Sunny: Thank ya.
Principal Luna: —but I did not see your lesson plan for today.
Sunny: (stammering) My what—now, for my who—when?
Principal Luna: Your lesson plan. You see, this school—it has many (rolling his "R's") rules, and those rules have many regulations, and those regulations demand much r—paperwork.
Sunny: (rolling his "R's") Oh, really?
Principal Luna: (rolling his "R's") Yes, really. (normal) You see, being a teacher is about paperwork.
Sunny: But I thought it was about teaching.
Principal Luna: That is a common misconception. I will get you your paperwork.
[Exit Principal Luna. The bell rings; the students stop playing. Exit the students.]
Sunny: But I didn't teach you how to bring all the sounds together.
[Li'l D pokes his head back inside the room.]
Li'l D: We'll get to it tomorrow. You know, you're not a bad teacher—for a beginner.
[Exit Li'l D. Mila Lopez stands in the doorway, keeping the door open.]
Ms. Lopez: Why Mr. Bridges, you must be quite a teacher.
[Sunny approaches Ms. Lopez.]
Sunny: Maybe I am; maybe I'm not. [Taking off his hat] Who may you be?
[Enter Ms. Lopez.]
Ms. Lopez: I'm Mila Lopez. [Ms. Lopez holds up her right hand, which Sunny grabs.] I'm the modern dance teacher at Westley.
[The door closes, striking Ms. Lopez's back. The instructors come even closer.]
Ms. Lopez: Oh!
Sunny: You're nothin' like the modern dance teacher we had when I went to school here.
[Flashback. A young Sunny dances alongside his classmates as the teacher speaks.]
Former Modern Dance Teacher: Remember, you're maniacs, maniacs! I want you dancing like you never danced before!
[Scene pans to the instructor.]
Former Modern Dance Teacher: And now, for my favorite part. [Holding a dangling chain] Here comes the water! [Yanks the chain]
Flashback Dance Students: Oh, no!
[The teacher releases the water, drenching his students. End flashack.]
Sunny: To this day, I can't take a shower—period.
Ms. Lopez: [Escorting herself an Sunny to chairs] And yet you seem to have such a good relationship with your students. Their enthusiasm is amazing. What's your secret?
Sunny: Well, if I tell you, it wouldn't be a secret now, would it?
[The two chuckle.]
Sunny: You know what I'm sayin'?
Ms. Lopez: So, you do realize that as the first year music teacher, you are in charge of the annual Peanut Pageant?
Sunny: The Peanut Pageant? Oh yeah, I remember that when I was a little kid back in the day.
[Flashback. In the auditorium, a young Sunny stands onstage, presenting facts about peanuts.]
Flashback Sunny: (nervous and sweating) The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut.
Former Modern Dance Teacher: (offscreen) Here comes the water!
Flashback Sunny: Not again.
[Falling water gushes upon the student. End flashback.]
Ms. Lopez: Oh, the peanut pageant is much better now.
Sunny: I hope it's flapdoodle.
Ms. Lopez: No, it's equally humiliating, but now, it's a multimedia extravaganza, and more importantly, it's Friday.
Sunny: Next Friday?
Ms. Lopez: No, last Friday, but I forgot to tell you, so we postponed it to this Friday. Also, members of the Georgia Peanut Council will be here to decide how much money they're gonna donate for school improvements. 
[An I-beam falls.]
Ms. Lopez: The pressure is on you not to put on a crummy pageant.
Sunny: (overwhelmed) This Friday? Money? (collected) Crummy? Poppycock. I mean, I'll make it happen. What could possibly go wrong?
[Principal Luna pops his head into the room.]
Principal Luna: There you are, Señor Bridges. Congratulations. Your paperwork—she has arrived.
[Principal Luna pulls on a chain.]
Sunny: Oh, no.
[The numerous forms fall on Sunny and Ms. Lopez. Fade to black.]

Act 2[]

[Scene: auditorium. Onstage are seven dancers, each wearing a peanut costume; a choir behind the dancers; and the conductor. The choir vocalize as they clap their hands to the rhythm. The audience applauds. Emerging from the stage floor is a peanut statue, which breaks open to reveal seven circus arts students, who spell out "PEANUT" with their bodies as a finale.]
Philly Phil: (voice over) Hey, it spells "PEANUT"!
[Scene: music room. The music students are watching the previous year's Peanut Pageant.]
Eddie: Man alive, last year's pageant was amazing. We have to do something like that by Friday?
Philly Phil: That's not enough time. I can make us a time machine, but it won't be ready until Saturday.
Madison: Unless you go back in time and start yesterday.
Philly Phil: Nah, I already did that.
Li'l D: Forget that, y'all. We don't need a time machine; we got Sunny—he can put on a great show in his sleep.
[Pan to Sunny. Sunny is sleeping at his desk, which bears towers of forms.]
Kim: Sounds like he's putting on a great show right now.
[Kim approaches Sunny and plays her cymbals, waking Sunny.]
Sunny: [Groans] Now I gotta fill out form 929: application to make student eat her own cymbals.
[Smiling sheepishly, Kim retreats from her angered instructor, whom Li'l D approaches.]
Li'l D: Sunny, you a'ight?
Sunny: Yeah, I mean, I was up all night doing this paperwork. And these [Gesturing to two high stacks of paperwork] are gust the forms to apply for [Gesturing to two more stacks] those forms.
Li'l D: Oh man, we ain't gon' never get the pageant ready in time at this rate.
Sunny: All right all right, here's what you do: everybody pick one part of the show and find a department in the school to work with you on it, okay?
Philly Phil: I call special effects with the audiovisual department.
Kim: I'll take the costumes with the drama department.
Madison: I choose Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the conservatory.
[Kim and Philly Phil gape at the blonde.]
Sunny: Perfect. You kids are so talented, and after all the things I just taught you——
Tamika: Excuse me. You only taught us one thing.
Sunny: And after that one thing I just taught you, you can make this the best pageant ever.
[The students cheer. Exit the students, barring Kam. Sunny sees Kam at the desk.]
Sunny: What are you still doing here?
Kam: Multimedia extravaganzas bore me. Paperwork—she is my friend.
[Sunny smiles as Kam helps complete paperwork.]
[Scene: dance room. The dance students, clad in their dance clothes, stand in line.]
Ms. Lopez: I know I told you that Sunny Bridges would be directing the Peanut Pageant, [Gestures to Tamika] but he has sent——
Tamika: ——Tamika, his star student——
Ms. Lopez: ——to explain his vision for the show. If you need me, I'll be in the teachers' lounge, eating raw cookie dough out of the tube.
[Exit Ms. Lopez]
Tamika: Okay, people, here's Sunny's vision—close your eyes.
[The dance students, confused, glance at one another.]
Dance Students: Huh?
Tamika: Trust me—if there's one thing I've learned from Sunny Bridges, it's that you gotta tear down the walls of convention with a wrecking ball of creativity. I said close your eyes!
[Startled, the dance students comply, squealing and trembling.]
Tamika: Now dance (hesitating) like a peanut.
[The dance students glance at one another, then try to follow Tamika's command.]
Tamika: (to herself, quiet) Okay, what'd Sunny do next? Oh yeah, I remember! [Approaching a dancer] (normal) How do peanuts make you feel?
Dance Student 1: I'm allergic to peanuts.
Tamika: Don't just tell me; show me, and close your dang eyes!
[The dance students comply; they begin dancing in synchronization.]
Tamika: Perfect! Now that's creativity.
[Scene: auditorium. Kim and the drama students are arranged in a circle.]
Kim: Sunny is always telling us, "You gotta tear through the malls of convention with a shopping bag of creativity."
Drama Student 1: Wow, that is so deep!
Kim: I know, right?
Drama Student 2: So Sunny wants to make pageant costumes that feel like peanuts?
Kim: Exactly.
Drama Student 3: What if we make the costumes giant peanuts—made out of peanuts?
Drama Student 2: And covered in glitter?
Drama Student 3: And nougat?
Kim: Perfect, but don't just tell me—sew me.
[Scene: audiovisual room. The audiovisual class are interviewing Philly Phil.]
Philly Phil: In conclusion, we have got to destroy the stargates of the fourth dimension with a laser cannon of relativity.
[The audiovisual students applaud.]
[Scene: music room. Sunny is filling out paperwork when he holds up a completed form.]
Sunny: Got another schedule M to file, Kam.
[Kam, clad in climbing equipment, stands atop a towering stack of paperwork.]
Kam: Goodie!
[Kam jumps, a rope securing him, and after taking the form, Kam ascends to file the form. The process repeats after Sunny completes another form. Madison emerges from a pile of paperwork, alarming Sunny and scattering the papers.]
Madison: Sunny, Sunny, Sunny! The pageant is going great! The visual arts department is painting the sets and backdrops with peanut oil-based paints. They are gonna look so cool, and they are gonna smell even better!
Sunny: (apathetic) Oh, that's great.
[Sunny hands Kam another completed form.]
Madison: We are tearin' down the walls of constipation
[Kam continues to file for Sunny.]
Madison: with the wrecking ball of creamed spinach! Woo!
[Exit Madison.]
Sunny: (inattentive) Yeah yeah, you do that, Eddie.
[Offscreen, goat baas, followed by the sound effects of a bite and the snapping of a rope. In the background, Kam falls, his plight unnoticed by Sunny.]
[Scene: circus arts tent. As the circus arts students practice in the presence of ponies and elephants, Li'l D and Eddie converse with Mr. Barnum, the circus arts teacher.]
Mr. Barnum: (via megaphone) I was told Sunny Bridges would be directing this pageant.
[In the background, a student enters a cannon.]
Eddie: Sunny taught us everything we know.
Li'l D: Yeah, like he taught us how to tear down the walls of convention with the wrecking balls of creativity.
Mr. Barnum: [Preparing the student to be shot out of the cannon] That line is the greatest load of bunk on Earth.
Circus Arts Student: Ow, my eye!
Mr. Barnum: Where's Sunny?
Eddie: He's stuck doing Principal Luna's paperwork.
Mr. Barnum: Ah, Luna's paperwork—incredibly tedious for teachers of all ages.
Li'l D: So, do y'all have any wrecking balls, or what?
Mr. Barnum: No. What's that got to do with peanuts?
Eddie: Hey Li'l D, we could always use nitroglycerin; it's made out of peanuts.
Li'l D: How do you know that?
Eddie: [Holding a can of nitroglycerin] It says so on this can.
Li'l D: (invigorated) High explosives! Yeah, baby! Now all we need is a way to get it onstage during the pageant.
Eddie: [Picking up a chihuahua] We could use these chihuahuas. They could balance it on their backs like a dog-devil act.
Mr. Barnum: Spectacular!
Li'l D: And what if the chihuahuas were riding on ponies?
Mr. Barnum: Amazing!
Eddie: And the ponies were riding on elephants?
Mr. Barnum: Death defying!
Li'l D: Sunny gon' be so proud of our creativity!
[The cannon fires the student who entered it.]
Circus Arts Student: I can see my house from here!
[Scene: music room.]
Sunny: [Relieved sigh] There. Finished at last.
[Kam takes the paper.]
Sunny: What happened to you?
Kam: Mountain goat bit me.
Sunny: [Trying to rid Kam of the goat] Uh huh, yeah. [Tossing the goat away from Kam] That's a real rare problem. So, where are the other kids?
[The building shakes. An elephant trumpets.]
Kam: I think they're in the auditorium. (as the building continues shaking) You'd better hurry up—sounds like they're starting the dress rehearsal right now.
Sunny: Already? [Pulls out pocket watch] The show doesn't start for– [The watch reads "A HALF AN HOUR" on the clockface.] a half an hour?
[Exit Sunny and Kam. Unknown to them, the mountain goat begins to eat the paperwork.]
[Scene: just outside the auditorium. Sunny and Kam glance in the room to find students of various departments preparing for the pageant. Enter Kam and Sunny. As they walk onstage, Madison greets them.]
Madison: (excited) You see? It's great, isn't it?
[At one corner of the stage is an exhibit in the style of Frankenstein.]
Sunny: (confused) Uh, yeah. What is it?
Madison: It's George Washington Carver's Transylvanian laboratory. It's where he discovered five hundred uses for peanuts, and created the Frankennut.
Sunny: I don't think Carver created a Frankenut.
Madison: Sweet! Then I guess we're more creative than he was.
Sunny: [Sniffing the air] I smell peanut oil.
Philly Phil: Yeah, you do. The fine arts kids—they varnished everything with it.
Sunny: But ain't that stuff really flammable? Ah, I hope there's no high-voltage lighting.
Philly Phil: Does super-high-voltage count?
[Philly Phil connects the lighting equipment to the power source, creating a bright flash.]
Kim: [Escorting the dancers, who are donning peanut costumes] Come on, peanuts. Over here. Hey Sunny, want some nougat?
[An elephant traverses the stage. Sunny fearfully glances at the nitroglycerin cans resting on the heads of the chihuahuas, who are balancing themselves on ponies, who in turn are standing on elephants.]
Sunny: Is that nitroglycerin? For the love of velvet, don't let those elephants see the giant peanuts! Tamika, tell those dancers to stand absolutely still, or——
Tamika: All right people, close your eyes and [Sunny gapes at his inattentive student.] dance like a nut.
[The dancers dance, exciting one of the elephants.]
Sunny: No!
[An elephant charges toward the dancers, scaring them as the animal-nitroglycerin towers become unstable. A chase ensues as the dancers exit the auditorium, throughout which turmoil spreads. As the cans of nitroglycerin fall, a stage light falls, its power cord breaking and exposing the "super-high-voltage." A flame spreads, and a nitroglycerin can causes an explosion upon impacting the ground.]
Li'l D: And this is just the dress rehearsal!
[Sunny gapes. Fade to black.]

Act 3[]

[Scene: Westley front entrance, where Principal Luna is standing. A limousine stops in front of the principal, who greets the men the limousine is transporting.]
Principal Luna: Welcome, gentlemen of the Peanut Funding Board. I am Principal Luna, your guide to an evening of peanuts and pageantry.
Filbert Sheller: [Shaking Principal Luna's hand] Filbert Sheller, Peanut Safety Council.
Foghorn Legume: Foghorn Legume, [Bowing in courtesy] American Nut Association.
[Approaching the limousine, Principal Luna sees a man who has a head resembling a peanut.]
Principal Luna: And I see you brought your mascot.
[Filbert and Foghorn place their hands over Principal Luna's mouth.]
Foghorn Legume: (whispering) That is not our mascot; he is with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Nuts, and he is very sensitive about his looks.
[The PETN member shakes hands with a sheepish Principal Luna.]
[Scene: auditorium. As the fire spreads, the dancers continue their attempt at fleeing the elephant. A cardboard cutout of a peanut falls, exposing the Sunny and his class. Another can of nitroglycerin falls; as it rolls toward the music department, they flee, but it seems to follow them. Exit the music class. The can stops briefly, emitting a beeping sound effect, then rolls forward.]
Kam: Is the coast clear?
[The music class are hiding beside a group of lockers, hoping they are out of the can's path. The can reverses direction.]
Kim: No.
[The can adjusts itself so it will roll toward the music class. As the music class flee, the can continues rolling, turning itself as necessary.]
[Scene: a corridor. Principal Luna escorts the three visitors through the school.]
Principal Luna: Tonight's Peanut Pageant: she promises to be—fantastic. There will be music; there will be dance; there may even be a few—surprises.
[An elephant bursts through a wall, lugging a pony and a chihuahua. Confused, the visitors glance at Principal Luna.]
Principal Luna: [Smiling sheepishly] Surprise!
[Scene: another corridor. The nitroglycerin can continues rolling. Nervously muttering, Sunny and the music students lock themselves in a locker past which the can rolls. Cut to inside the locker.]
Sunny: Nobody make a sound.
Tamika: There's somethin' you don't hear a music teacher say too often.
Sunny: Here's somethin' else you don't hear a teacher say often: What in the name of Coltrane we're you thinkin'? Elephants and giant peanuts? High voltage and peanut oil? Didn't you check to see what everybody else was doing?
Li'l D: No, you taught us to do our own thing, remember?
Sunny: I also told you to listen to what everybody else was doin' to be sure you fit in.
Li'l D: No, you didn't.
Sunny: (confident) Didn't I? Didn't I? (worried) Didn't I?
[Sunny opens the locker door and sees an elephant chasing a dancer.]
Dancer: [Screams] Too much nougat!
[With its trunk, the elephant captures the dancer, who screams and flails as she reluctantly enters the elephant's mouth. The elephant spits out the dancer; she lands on a nitroglycerin can, causing it to continue rolling. Watching, the music class spill out of the locker.]
Sunny: My paperwork!
[The can rolls toward the music room, where said paperwork rests.]
Sunny: [Leaping up] Quick, help me save her! No!
[Sunny darts toward his room, but the nitroglycerin explodes, repelling Sunny and destroying the paperwork. Sunny desperately tries to collect the remaining scraps of paper.]
Sunny: Quick, help me put their atoms back together!
[The ashes in Sunny's hand disintegrate as a breeze impacts them. Five cans of nitroglycerin avenge Sunny and his students.]
Sunny: [Embracing his students] Help me stay alive!
[Exit the music class.]
[Scene: auditorium. Seated in the audience section are Principal Luna and the three guests, who are silent as they await the Peanut Pageant. Attempting to break the silence, the guests clear their throats and glance at Principal Luna.]
Principal Luna: (profusely sweating, nervous) Let me see what the delay is, yes.
[Principal Luna slightly parts the curtain and peeks backstage. Amid the sounds of trumpeting elephants and screaming crew, an explosion occurs, affecting Principal Luna's hair and face.]
Principal Luna: (nervous) Yes, it will be another minute.
[Scene: janitor's closet, inside which the music class are gathered.]
Sunny: Okay, you learned how to tear down the walls of convention with the wrecking ball of creativity; now, I gotta teach you how to rebuild the walls of innovation with the mortar of collaboration.
[Confused, the students glance at their instructor.]
Sunny: We gotta work together.
Li'l D: What if we sneak away and pretend we had nothin' to do with this?
Sunny: You call that workin' together?
Li'l D: If we sneak away together, yeah!
Sunny: That's a good idea, but here's a better idea.
[Scene: auditorium. Sounds of construction exempt, another silence occurs.]
Filbert Shelor: You know, most peanut-related accidents happen within twenty-five miles of the home.
Sunny: (offscreen) Gentlemen of the Peanut Council, [Walking onstage as a piano riff plays] the Westley School for the Performing Arts is proud to present this years Peanut Pageant.
[Song: "Oh, Peanut". Kam plays a piano riff and Li'l D activates the drum machine, initiating the instrumentals of the song.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[The camera angles on the stage, whose curtains unveil cardboard cutouts resembling Sunny and his students clad in various costumes.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[The elephants, determined, rampage the hallway. Cut to the stage, where the music class duck behind their corresponding cutouts. As a saxophone solo begins, Sunny stands at an intersection of two hallways and inspects the surroundings?.]
Eddie: (via walkie-talkie) Ready, Sunny?
[The camera cuts to Eddie, who is standing near a gaping hole leading to the auditorium. The auditorium remains ablaze.]
Sunny: (via walkie-talkie) Ready, Eddie.
[Eddie approaches two elephants who are drinking water gushing out of a broken water fountain pipe.]
Eddie: Hey dumbo, does your daddy know you wear a tutu?
[In retaliation, the two elephants force water out of their trunks, attempting to drench the blond boy. Eddie jumps before impact occurs, causing the elephants to inadvertently drench the flames instead. A clarinet solo begins. In the music room, Kim and Kam invert a peanut costume; it now resembles a mouse. The dancers, now clad in mouse costumes, exit the room as Kim approaches Tamika.]
Kim: Okay, but I still don't see how mouse costumes are gonna help.
[In a cutaway, the dancers form a line, menacing expressions on their faces. In response, an elephant reacts in fear.]
Tamika: Elephants are afraid of mice, right?
Kim: I think that's just a myth.
Tamika: [Wrapping her arm around Kim] Maybe, but the elephants don't know that.
[A reassured Kim smiles.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[In an attempt to stop the elephants' rampage, the dancers form a line in the elephants' path. Out of fear, the elephants stop, menacing looks on the dancers' faces.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[The elephants start sweating. The dancers squeak as if they were mice, sending the elephants into a frenzy.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[The elephants exit the school, running through a wall. They stop on a field.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[Eddie controls the mouth on his cardboard cutout.]
Eddie: ♪?Buckhead, yeah, yeah, what?♪
♪I rep my estate; might as well throw it up.♪
♪See, I been eatin' peanut souffle since I was two.♪
[Flashback. A toddler Eddie snacks on peanut butter.]
Eddie: ♪May I recommend the Thai sauce or a soup, scoop?♪
[Li'l D controls his cutout's mouth.]
Li'l D: ♪Peanut butter?♪
Response: Yeah!
Li'l D: ♪Or peanut brittle?♪
Response: Yeah!
Li'l D: ♪Peanut with some jelly and crackers♪
♪That's in the middle?♪
Response: All right!
[On the field, Philly Phil activates a force field, trapping the elephants inside it.]
Li'l D: ♪I been eatin' peanuts and♪
♪Stuff since I was little.♪
[A can of nitroglycerin rolls outdoors via the hole the elephants created when vacating the school.]
Li'l D: ♪Bankhead, Li'l D. Madison, play your fiddle.♪
Madison: Ditto!
[Violin solo. Li'l D finds the nitroglycerin can and rolls it in the circus arts department tent. When the can impacts a pyramid of more nitroglycerin cans, an explosion occurs, frightening Li'l D as the explosion propels Mr. Barnum upward.]
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
Mr. Barnum: (via megaphone) Spectacular!
Choir: ♪Oh, peanut, we love you baby.♪
[On the stage, the music students take a bow and the curtains close. End song.]
[Scene: backstage. The music class celebrate their successful cleanup efforts.]
Sunny: Now that's what I call a collaboration.
[Enter Principal Luna, Filbert, Foghorn, and the PETN member.]
Principal Luna: Señor Bridges!
Sunny: Hey, Luna-Luna. [Gesturing to his students] What'd you think of the show? Not bad for beginners, huh?
Principal Luna: It was [Hesitates] (unenthusiastic) fantastic, but more importantly, your paperwork—where is she?
[Enter the mountain goat. It burps, and five forms, all of which are on fire, exit the goat's mouth. Principal Luna glares at Sunny as the paperwork disintegrates.]
Sunny: Forget the paperwork, man; I got so busy with all that teacher stuff, I forgot to teach, and look what happened.
[Camera pans to the hole in one of the auditorium walls. An I-beam falls.]
Principal Luna: Yes. Your point—she is (not as unenthusiastic) fantastic.
[Enter Filbert, Foghorn, and the PETN member.]
Filbert Sheller: Gentlemen, that was the best Peanut Pageant I've ever seen—and I've seen at least one other.
PETN Member: It was the most ethical treatment of nuts, ever. [A tear exits the member's left eye.]
Foghorn Legume: Principal Luna, I think it's safe to say that your school improvement funding is secure for another year.
PETN Member: [Brandishing a gigantic check] In fact, I have here a giant prop check made out to the Westley School for Performing Arts in the amount of—$200.
[The building shakes as an elephant trumpets.]
Principal Luna: Good thing we have the Peach Pageant coming up.
Sunny: (alarmed) "Peach Pageant"?
[The music students cheer as a hopeless expression manifests on their instructor's face.]
Eddie: Peachy.
Li'l D: I'll get the nitroglycerin.
[Exterior shot of Westley. Through the gaping holes of the building escapes purple smoke. Camera pans upward, stopping at the city of Atlanta as sunset occurs and night subsequently falls. Begin ending sequence. A reprise of "Oh, Peanut" plays over the credits as the accompanying visuals occupy the right side of the screen.]
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